The Voices Inside
by Monsieur Mimi
Summary: A view on one of the Katan-Rociel confrontations, Rociel’s POV


My 12th Fanfiction! Yay! This could take place probably any time before Volume 20 in the manga. A few spoilers scattered here and there. Told in Rociel's POV

Disclaimer: I do not own Angel Sanctuary. I do not own Rociel or Katan. It is completely Kaori Yuki's and this is just a piece of fiction written by a fan of the epic series.

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He stands, firm and rigid. Eyes filled with emotion that drains away all my defenses. Eyes that have always been looking towards me, ever since I created them and pulled his soul into his chamber of flesh. Never has he willingly left my side, constantly speaking soft kind words to me. His boyish beauty has always been with him since his birth, lean and handsome. My Katan.

Hesitantly he lifts a few papers, after bowing, his soft hair tumbling characteristically across his left eye. "I have come to deliver a status report, Rociel-sama" his voice is deep and low, filled with politeness, cautiousness and respect.

I stand in front of him, smaller in height and figure then him now. An ironic twist of fate. I dislike having to look up to see his face. It makes me feel lowlier. Less in control. 

Almost carelessly I reply. "Of course, Katan…"

He has always cared for me, the way no one else ever had… ever will. Not even those whom I love. To Alexiel, I am nothing. Worthless. Lowly in her comparison. A hideous monster to be despised. A hideous monster that had what she wanted. And then she betrayed me. She broke her promise because she hated me so much. What did I do to deserve to have my promise broken? I could not even reach out to her, even though I was always thinking of her… I **was** she… but flawed. Different. Unwanted.

And God? My father? I could not even reach out and embrace him. Hold him close like a worthless child would clutch a doll. He extended love towards me, but would not help me crawl from the darkness that smothered me so constantly. It never filled me with a warmth or kindness. And it further removed me from Alexiel. Further intensified her hatred.

I glance towards Katan, who is reading a report I am not even bothering to listen to. His earnest face, reminds me of his childish features from so long ago. When I was capable of looking after him. When I still saw a smile on his face. When he would listen to me, and hold me close, trying to wipe away my tears… When he trusted me with everything in his heart. How can he still love me, but never trust me?

:: But it will be the same… Alexiel promised she would kill you… but she didn't. God has left you. And Katan no longer has any trust for you. Soon he will realize what a monster you are. And he will leave you. And hurt you. Again. Like all the others did… ::

:: Do you remember, Rociel? ::

I stare at Katan, trying to ignore the angry hissing of my thoughts. Where do these cruel voices even come from? I can't comprehend them…! I can't understand them…! And the truth in them is almost painful. It tugs at me and seems to make me unable to breath. I clutch at my head and stumble to my knees, the hard ground hitting my flesh and miniscule pain stunning my body.

"Rociel-sama!"

That familiar voice, that familiar concern … care… Katan… He wouldn't leave me… he's different from the others, isn't he…? That face that has always looked upon mine with love. Sincere love. Pure and untainted. I clutch harder at my head and keel over.

"Rociel-sama!" He is kneeling beside me in an instant. "What is wrong? Rociel-sama!?" I force my hands to cover my face. I can't look at him right now. I won't look at him right now. Katan cautiously places a hand on my shoulder. His touch sends signals through my mind.

:: If you let him close to you… you'll be weak. And he will hurt you… he can't understand you… why should he? He probably hates you… ::

"Rociel-sama! Please, I'm worried! Rociel-sama!"

_:: Alexiel never wanted you either ::_

"Rociel-sama!"

"Shut up!" I scream, throwing back my hand towards Katan and emitting sparks of energy. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" The sparks force themselves outwards through my uncontrollable fingers, hitting Katan hard so that he cries out in pain, falling back away from me.

_:: You are in control, Rociel… ::_

I stand, my legs feeling stiff. I glance downwards at Katan, who is struggling to get to his feet and trying to bow at the same time. "I… I'm sorry, Rociel-sama, I didn't mean to-" He staggers, clutching at where he was hit, wincing in the pain, but eventually manages to regain a standing position, apologizing all the time. A twisted part of me almost wants to smile. 

The voices in my head become slowly quieter, and then stop. I place a cautious hand to my forehead, and sigh, almost with relief. Katan hears, and once again starts to move towards me with concern, but then remembers my sudden outburst and falls back, silent. But his eyes are wounded and confused. Lost and forlorn. The eyes of the angel I created.

The one who stays by my side.

I can almost see the young ST Candidate from so long ago, gazing adoringly at me. From when I was sure of myself. From when I was in control. I would have never dared to hurt him then. I gave him all the love that was never given to me. Love that I could never give to God or Alexiel. They would not allow me to. But Katan returned it, and cared about me.

I see the wound I have just inflicted upon him.

_:: What kind of a person are you? ::_

My face twists. How can Katan still hold me after I do this to him? After I break him over and over. And he still runs back to me. The only person who ever allowed me to cry upon their shoulders. The only person who cares when they ask me if I am all right. The only person who I hurt more than anyone.

I am like a young, lost child. I have lost any security that I have ever had. And it hurts. I don't even know if anyone is capable to love me. And if I am capable to love them back.

My eyes fill with tears, and my arms hang, empty. "Katan…?" I whisper, holding out my arms to him.

With only slight hesitation, he comes to me, and I throw my arms around him, gripping him in a tight embrace. His arms fold around me and I feel his warmth. His calm breathing. His hands stroking my hair. Soothing, like a parent to a small child. The only one who truly embraces me.

All I need is the quiet.

- FIN -


End file.
